Have you ever felt your blood pressure increase because of the way someone is talking at you? Or have you experienced times when you want to do your work but someone keeps rambling on and you can't get them to shut up? Or just as bad, have you ever had people say hurtful things to you and you've not been able to get them out of your mind? If any of these apply, here are some tips to help you deal with such situations in the future.
1. How to interrupt long-winded callers politely on the phone.
One of the difficulties for many of us is that we've been brought up to believe that it is rude to interrupt someone. We therefore can find ourselves on the end of the telephone having our ear chewed by someone who is waffling on. It could be a person who is very polite but just loves talking to you because you are so nice - or alternatively it might be someone who is angry and complaining.
All is not lost! It is possible to interrupt people politely. The tip is to join in on their conversations and to sound interested in what they're saying. This is in contrast to interruptions which try to shut the other person up by disagreeing or arguing.
When trying to join in a conversation, listen out for a word or phrase that you can repeat and talk about as you join in. For example, if the person is talking about the roses in his or her garden, you may join in by saying, "Roses, yes! They are such lovely flowers."
Once you've joined in enthusiastically, take control of the conversation and lead the topic to wherever you wish to go. Do not stop talking after your initial interjection or they might take the conversation straight back! If you wish to close down the conversation it may be that you join in on their topic, summarise briefly the key point of the whole conversation, make a socially pleasant comment and finish the call. It could go something like this:
"Roses, yes! They are such lovely flowers and it's been lovely talking to you Mrs Jones. I have corrected your address details on our computer for you and your next account will be sent to the correct address. Thank you so much for letting us know. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye bye!"
2. How to interrupt long-winded talkers face to face.
One of the important things to know about people who talk a lot is that many of them do not mind being interrupted. In fact, some of them positively like it and think that if you don't interrupt, you aren't interested in what is being said and have nothing to say. It is typical, for example, for people who are Extraverts on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to talk quite a lot. They tend to think out-loud. Introverts, on the other hand, tend to think inside their heads and in contrast may say very little at all. When an Introvert and an Extravert are interacting, misunderstandings can arise even though both are exhibiting quite normal behaviour for each type. Introverts for example, can think that the Extraverts are being too dominant and over-powering because the sheer volume of words can feel overwhelming to them. Extraverts, in contrast, can be left wondering why the Introverts are so secretive and withdrawn and may even wonder if the Introverts are being secretly critical or deliberately withholding information.
Here are two ways around this problem:
Accept that not saying much is fine for an Introvert and saying a lot is fine for an Extravert. These are just two styles of communicating, neither of which is right or wrong.
Try to bridge the differences between you. For example, an Introvert might interrupt an Extravert instead of waiting for a pause. An Extravert might go quiet, pause and then invite the Introvert to contribute.
How can an Introvert interrupt an Extravert? Here are 3 possible ways to try:
a. Move - physically demonstrate through your body language that you want to join in.
b. Raise your voice slightly - to make sure the Extravert has heard you!
c. Repeat some of the words that the Extravert has said and sound enthusiastic about them. Then say something connected to the topic. It's the same skill as the one described for the phone. For example, if the Extravert says. "And I was ripped off when I bought my car," the Introvert might say, "Ripped off! Yes it's so easy to get ripped off - I bought a jacket yesterday and ..."
3. Stay calm and don't reverberate.
When someone says something unpleasant to you - I wonder if you hear it again and again in your own mind? Often it's what we say to ourselves that makes the stress even worse. Having heard 5 hurtful words some people then go over and over them in their minds. They work out what they would like to have said in reply. They talk to themselves about it. "How dare she say such a thing." "Who does he think he is?" "I did not do a bad job ..." and on it goes. Many people also tell others about it, "Guess what James said to me today" or "Can you believe what Joyce had the audacity to tell me ..." On and on the hurt goes. The more we repeat it to ourselves and others, the higher our stress levels become. The more we repeat the words the more our hurt and resentment grow.
So what can we do to relieve this? Here are 3 tips ...
a. Refuse to repeat what has been said to anyone else - don't keep it going.
b. Focus on something else - repeat an alternative series of words inside your head. Know a positive line that relaxes and calms you down. A friend was saying to me recently that she uses a line from the "Loving Kindness Meditation" (See Tips on the website) and repeats it to herself to stay calm, e.g. "May I be well, may I be happy, may I abide in peace." She said she repeats this to herself all the way to work when she is driving her car and finds she no longer gets irritated by the traffic! A good way to lower stress levels.
c. Take 5 minute meditation breaks during your day or whenever you catch yourself getting wound up about something negative. Meditation is basically a technique to calm the mind and there is some convincing data to show that it is a very beneficial technique to reduce stress levels and give health a boost. It also requires no equipment and can be done in short periods at work or home as you need it. The essential skill for all types of meditation is to train the mind to focus on one object, whether it be on the word "peace" or the breath going in and out of your body. Then when the mind drifts onto the hurtful comments, or anxiety about the future or anger about the past, you gently bring it back to the object of attention. With practice and over time these thoughts can cease - and calm is restored.
These are just some of the ways to help you reduce your stress.
Further assistance:
More ways to relax and de-stress.
"Happy not hassled."
Have you ever felt stressed and wished you hadn't? Or felt anxious and wished for calm? Or maybe you keep going over and over things in your mind and all you want is a bit of peace? Yes! Then this 2 CD set, Happy Not Hassled can help you. All you need is a little bit of your time and the willingness to try the exercises and you'll discover how to stay calm and peaceful. Bliss!
You will also hear many tips on how to relax your mind and body, stay calm, de-stress and unwind. Think how useful that would be in your busy world. I also explain how to use the meditations in your everyday life so you are confident you know how to use them. And you are given many down-to-earth tips for managing such emotions as anxiety, tiredness, anger, stress or irritation. Learn how to stop the little things getting to you. Get these Happy Not Hassled CDs and feel good about yourself, and stay calm, positive and relaxed in a busy world. I use every one of these meditations to help me stop stress from building; and one in particular helps me build gratitude and joy towards whatever I am doing.
Click here for more details.
Click here to order.
Communication can be improved over the phone and face-to-face. One of the joys of improved communication skills is the lowering of stress levels. Lowering of stress in itself can lead to greater happiness.
May you be happy.
Rachel.
