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Moving elderly parents into a home - sorting out their belongings. By Rachel Green

29-Aug-2001, Number 74

I never expected to have to sort out my mother's belongings while she was with me - but one day my mother declared she wanted to move into a residential care/old people's home. I wish I'd had more help beforehand in knowing how to handle such an emotionally laden experience so I thought I might pass on what I learnt. This may seem a very specialist topic for today's newsletter, however even if you don't have elderly parents to care for it may get you thinking about your own possessions ... and come to think of it, the principles described here could apply to any situation.

This is what I learnt from my first hand experience. Let me know if you have any other tips of your own.

1. Do not rush your elderly parents.

Whatever your task, plan for more time than you think you'll need. Then you can both enjoy being together. Elderly parents may seem slow at times to sort out their ideas, to walk, to make decisions. This is all right. Please be patient, pause, wait, allow time - without irritation, without pushing. Allow their pace rather than forcing your pace whenever possible - and only at selected times bring the time to closure. Trying to go more quickly may add bewilderment and stress.

2. Treat their belongings with dignity and respect.

If parents are moving from their own houses or units into residential homes or nursing homes they will need to sort through their belongings. They will need to decide which items to take and which they will need to let go of. Not an easy process when many of their possessions hold the history of their lives. As you go through their possessions encourage them to make decisions rather than you doing it for them. I ended up holding up each possession one at a time in front of my mum and asking her what she'd like to do with each one. If you have to do this, treat your parent's possessions respectfully. This mainly means in my experience without judgement. If something is dirty, very old, or seemingly worthless (in your eyes) there is no need to say so. Don't giggle, don't comment, don't wrinkle your nose. Avoid comments such as, "What on earth is this?" "Yuck, this is filthy" "Do you really need so many bars of soap?" Hold the possessions as you would your own and accept your parents' need to own them. If you have problems with this imagine how you'd feel if someone sat you down and went through your medicine cabinet and waved your hemorrhoid cream in front of you, or held up your knickers/jocks one pair at a time! If you don't like the idea probably neither do your parents. Be gentle. I would certainly hate someone to do it to me and I've come home determined not to hoard and to sort out my own clutter!

3. Chose your words carefully

I became very aware that the words I used made a big difference to how comfortable my mother felt about the process. For example, at one stage I referred to my mother's possessions as "clutter". As soon as I said it I realised it sounded negative and I changed it in future to "belongings" or "possessions".

Similarly I initially questioned mum as to whether she wanted to keep a certain item or to "get rid of it". I then realised the latter sounded harsh and made it harder for her to let go, so I changed it to "give away" or "leave for someone else". Gentle, gentle, gentle. Also when referring to the place she was moving to, I learnt to say, "your new home" not "the home". When talking about the changes she would face I learnt to stop saying, "You won't be doing any cooking in future," which was negative and to change it to, "someone else will be looking after you - you'll be able to sit back and relax." She liked that idea far more.

4. Don't correct.

Instead of correcting your parents if they make errors, fail to answer your questions or wander off the topic to memories or other topics, gently refocus without corrections. For instance, one day, when I held up mum's possessions one at a time, (having already done this for several consecutive days) instead of saying whether she wanted to keep them, my mum named them all. "That's a fork", she'd say, "That's a vest". What was I to say back? Impatience could have made me say, "Yes I know it's a fork - but you're supposed to be telling me whether to keep it or not." If I was in a more sarcastic mood of course it would have been tempting to say, "Well I never, so it is." However, these responses would not have helped. Instead a gentle refocus was far kinder and more productive, e.g. when she said, "that's a fork" a simple acknowledgement, "yes it is, would you like to keep it or give it away?" was all that was needed.

5. Vary the level of confrontation and challenge from one day to the next.

Moving from a house into one room in a home can mean a huge number of possessions must be left behind. This can naturally be distressing and bewildering. I learnt not to tackle too many possessions that had to be let go of at one time and instead to alternate between possessions which could be kept, those which were optional and those which could not be taken. If I stayed with those that must go for too long, it became too challenging and upsetting. For instance, my mum had a well stocked kitchen, her cupboards were full of saucepans, cooking utensils, mixing bowls, baking trays, crockery and more. In her new home she was not even allowed a kettle or food in her room and she had no need of any of the items. This was difficult, for when I showed her an item she'd say what she used it for, "Oh yes I need that to scramble eggs", as if she would still need it. I found myself in the position of needing to remind her that she would have someone else cooking for her and this was hard. At one time she said, "Yes, yes, you keep telling me I won't be cooking any more." Oops! At that stage I changed to items she would need and only returned to the kitchen later.

6. Allow reminiscing about objects before packing.

When a possession evokes a memory, encourage the memory. Memories are an important part of the process of letting go and moving on. Allow them, listen to them, learn from them and only then gently refocus. For example, a bread board that my mum would have no use for in her home was apparently made of sycamore over 60 years ago, given as a wedding present and made from wood used in the Cunard liners by an uncle of hers. These memories are important, even if the object clearly has to be let go of. Don't dismiss them. Stay with them and then gently refocus, "Given that it's 60 years old would you like to keep it or give it away" or "I never knew that, it's obviously been important to you, would you like to keep it or give it way?" I noticed once the memory was relived and acknowledged mum let go of many possessions easily.

7. Show appreciation and do not take your inheritance for granted.

In sorting through your parent's possessions do not grasp at items you would like. In fact, do not even assume that you can have the items just because your parent no longer needs them. Instead your parent may like to have an item sold to raise some money. In this case if you really want it, offer him or her money for it. Not a half hearted, "Would you like me to give you something for it?", but a clear-cut definite offer, "I'd like to buy it from you mum for $190." Your parents may also have another person they would like their possessions to go to, a friend, or a god-child for example, or they might want to give items away to their church or favourite charity. Let go of your own wish to keep them and carry out their wishes graciously. If they do give you something don't take it for granted - thank them and show appreciation, it helps them to let go and feel good. (You probably think this is obvious and that people do this - in my experience it is not necessarily so.)

Many people in Midlife are in what's known as "The Sandwich Generation". They're sandwiched between children leaving home/returning home and needing to care for elderly parents. Midlife people have other issues to deal with too - so here are some other sources of information and assistance for you.

Further free information - worldwide

Other newsletters of relevance:
Number 49: Be proud of your age
Number 38: Why do people have Midlife confusions?
Number 37: Are you doing what's important?

Links to other helpful midlife resources can be found on our links page.

Midlife Page: with tips, newsletters and information.

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Other assistance for people in Western Australia:

Heart-Mind-Body-Spirit-Laughter: Midlife Weekend Retreat: Managing elderly parents is just one of the many topics which can be addressed in the midlife retreat - along with coping with change, making friends, finding a new direction for the second half of your life, gaining more energy and more! The next one is Friday, 9th November to Sunday 11th November 2001. For more details, please have a look on the website.

Course bookings are now open directly through the website: Bookings
e-mail:
ph: +61 8 9390 1188.

8. Use humour

It may all sound terribly serious and at one level it is. However, this doesn't mean it can't be funny and mum and I laughed about all sorts of things. I had it as a target - find out what she finds funny and develop it. Sometimes it could be the most unpredictable thing. For example, we had to buy mum some new furniture and we wanted her to choose it. The carers at her new home wanted us to take mum out in a wheel chair - something she had never been in and which suggested a loss of independence which could defeat what little confidence she had left. So we did it but played up and she could hardly stop laughing. She decided we needed L plates! We had the foot stand fall off, she thought this was funny. We couldn't get it in the car, she thought this was amusing too, and then in the store she was pushed around with an imaginary blue police light on top and taken quickly around corners - so fast I'm surprised we weren't arrested for reckless driving. She could not stop laughing. She had a wonderful time despite her mock protestations that she'd never come shopping with us again! Child's play? No way. Just adults having fun.

Above all be kind, be generous, be patient. After all, one day your children, friends or carers might be doing this for you ... and while you're thinking about this do you hoard things? Do you have belongings you've not used for years that you really don't need? Do you hang onto things that are of no real value to you? Maybe now is the time to sort through your own possessions, to clear out and simplify before someone has to do it for you. I've already started on the piles of photographs and books we have ... the clothes and medicine cabinet come next!

And if you can - stay healthy for as long as possible - invest in your health now and you may stay out of a home when you're older!

Until next time,
Rachel

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