I am in awe of a man named John Button at the moment. He was convicted of the murder of his girlfriend in the 1960's and was jailed for 5 years in Western Australia. He has always pleaded his innocence. After his conviction, another person confessed to the murder. Apparently, the confession was not accepted in the appeal court and the conviction was upheld. Now over 30 years later, with scientific evidence, John Button has managed to clear his name. What an absolutely wonderful example of patience this man displays. To have quietly continued to believe in himself and to have patiently waited until the world knew of his innocence gives me hope that patience is possible for all of us. If so, how can we develop such a characteristic? And is being patient worth it?
1. Patience is healthy
The technological age has given us the impression that we can expect everything instantly. We have come to expect that at the push of a button, the swallowing of a pill or the quick sending of an e-mail, we can get what we want instantly. But is this true? Is this fair? Is this even good for us? I suspect that it's not realistic and that what it does is give us a distorted picture of how quickly everything should happen in our lives. By expecting everything to happen instantly we can get increasingly frustrated and irritated when it doesn't. By expecting things quickly we put ourselves and those around us under unnecessary pressure.
"Instant" is not always possible and in some circumstances, "instant" is not as good as taking time. Take cooking for example. Have you ever found an instant soup that is really as tasty, nutritious and as pleasurable as a well-made home produced one? In other situations "instant" is impossible; for example, learning to drive a car, play a piano or fly a plane require considerable time and patience. So why expect instant success? Why not expect things to take a long time and then on the rare occasions when they don't we can be delighted and surprised! By being more patient when there are considerable delays our blood pressure doesn't rise and our peace of mind can remain undisturbed.
2. Impatience produces frustration
A woman in our meditation group recently told me her husband had tried meditation and it hadn't worked for him. When I asked her how often he'd tried it - she said, "once!" No wonder it "hadn't worked" it's an ongoing training. Another person said that she'd been practising meditation for 8 weeks now but complained that when her mind was agitated and angry, the meditation had no effect. Of course not! Why would it, so early in her practice of it? The only problem was her unrealistic expectation. She'd been practising getting frustrated and angry for over 35 years, why would 8 half hour sessions of meditation get rid of it? My husband, as a third example, started learning to play the violin last year - the violin was a present for his 50th birthday. At the end of a year's lessons he was ready to give up, frustrated by what he perceived as slow progress. When he complained to his violin teacher she commented on how well he was doing and reminded him it could take 10 years to learn to play a violin well. The problem? Unrealistic expectations again.
And what is the problem with unrealistic expectations? They cause us to get irritated, despondent and even to give up. By having unrealistic expectations we can give up on things which are good for us, we miss out on gaining rewards that are only possible through resilience and persistence, and we can cause ourselves unnecessary stress. By having unrealistic expectations both my husband and my meditation colleagues miss out on the joys of the progress they are making.
3. Patience brings rewards
I know it's not easy to be patient. It doesn't come easily. When I was writing the book "Midlife and Happiness" I nearly gave up. It took over 3 years to write. I thought it would take 6 months! And during the writing I had to devote a lot of time to it which I could have spent on more pleasurable activities, like sleep, seeing friends and going to the beach. However, I struggled on. Now I am very glad I did, as I have produced a book.
I was reminded of the value of persistence by one of the other book contributors, Phillip. He wrote about surviving separation - a situation that requires absolute patience. He used the Runes (a set of sayings) to help him and each morning he would pick a rune to guide him through the day. One of his favorite sayings became, "The reward of patience is patience." Yes indeed! One of the rewards of being patient is to develop more patience. When we simply go from one instant expectation to another we never learn patience. But when we do learn a little patience then we are rewarded with more and our lives can be happier and healthier as a consequence.
4. Resources on patience you can use
"Midlife And Happiness", is now available for only $34.95. You can enter the private lives of other men and women and discover what has happened to them and how they've found happiness, in some cases against all odds and for nearly all because of persistence and patience. More details and an order form are available on the website.
"How Not to Take Things Personally". If you want to develop patience with other people these tape sets may help you. When angry outbursts, complaints, tragedies, feedback, criticism, or even idle comments leave you angry, withdrawn or upset, these tapes will help you learn how to patiently let things wash over you like water off a duck's back. New lower price AU$39.00.
More details on the book and tapes.
phone +61 8 9390 1188, or fax +61 8 9390 1199 or
e-mail:
Other free newsletters:
Number 43: Do we know how to rest?
Resting and relaxing are forms of patience. Details of meditation, which is a way of training ourselves to be patient, are also included.
Number 74: Moving elderly parents into a home.
This newsletter is an example of living patience and the rewards it brings. Being patient with other people is very important.
Free Tips:
Rachel's Loving Kindness Meditation.
A meditation designed to help you develop patience and compassion for yourself and others.
5. Top Tips on Developing Patience
So how can we learn patience? Here are 4 of my tips on developing it - send me yours. I'm no expert, I am still learning!
Tip A: Stay with whatever is happening for longer.
When you want to give up on something - keep going for a little longer before giving in. If you are waiting for someone who's late and decide to give up, wait another 5 minutes. If you are meditating and you are restless and want to give up, meditate for another 5 minutes. When you are waiting for something to arrive in the mail and are just about to pick up the phone to complain, wait for one more day's mail. Train yourself to wait for longer.
Tip B: Praise yourself for each step achieved.
Praise yourself for small steps of progress in whatever you are doing in your life rather than pushing yourself to finish and only rewarding yourself when it's all done. (Is anything ever completely done?) For example, in writing the book, some days I just had to be pleased with myself for finding one typing error, or for coming up with a better title, or for finding the correct website address for a reference. If I'd waited until the book was published to reward myself I'd have had a very miserable 3 years. I think that 10% success or even 1% success is worth celebrating.
Tip C: Find a patient mentor.
Find role models who inspire patience in you, people who have achieved something marvellous, people who have persevered against the odds. Remind yourself of what they've done to achieve their goals and promise yourself "if he/she can, so can I."
For example, one of the problems I have is exercising enough. I used to moan and groan around the walking circuit on the odd occasions when I actually got out there. And then I started realising how much training the footballers do, just so they can play football on the weekend and so I can go and watch. (I'm a footy fan!) So when I was out walking I started saying to myself, "If Chris Mainwaring (ex footballer) can run up and down that field so often when he plays then surely the least I can do is to walk around this circuit." Similarily after one of my close friends went trekking in the Himalayas, I'd say, "If she can climb the Himalayan Mountains then surely I can walk up this little hill and enjoy it." And it helped. I stopped moaning and groaning and just did it. If they could - I could. And I ended up enjoying it more.
Tip D: Allow more time than you think you'll need for tasks.
Allow more time than you imagine needing, then if there is a delay you won't become frazzled. For instance, when I have to drive into town for work, I always try to add on an extra quarter of an hour in my calculations for the time I will need. In that way if I get caught in a traffic jam I don't end up gripping the steering wheel and cursing under my breath or driving in a risky manner because I'm late. I can stay listening to the radio and enjoying the drive. On the days when there are no traffic delays I have plenty of time to set-up my work and to read something, make a phone call or whatever.
Getting out of bed earlier in the morning though? Now that's another story!
6. Top quote of the fortnight to inspire you
This is one of my favourites!
"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."
Lily Tomlin
7. Humour Section
How do you make time fly?
Throw your watch out of the window!
(They will improve, honestly - please be patient! Send in your favourite funny stories or jokes, please!)
Perseverance and patience bring rewards. Developing patience can be a great gift for us all - your patience will help others be patient too. If we have more patience maybe we could have fewer arguments, wars, and less abuse.
May your patience grow and your calmness increase.
Until next time,
best wishes,
Rachel.
