Welcome to this 165th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:
- Be assertive! Stay safe.
- Latest news: Lots of new free tips.
- Top tips on speaking out for what you need.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately. Special discount on the "Assertiveness" course.
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I was out-of-it."
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Be assertive! Stay safe!
Many of us hold back on telling people what we'd like or want or need. It's so easy to hope that people will guess or that they'll take the hint, or just to leave it because we don't like to make a fuss. What a dilema. And yet sometimes speaking out and telling people clearly and simply what we'd like can bring us much better results than we even imagine. This was brought home to me, in a very stark way, on a trip my husband and I made overseas recently. Prior to going I said to my husband that I'd like to e-mail his brothers and ask one of them to meet us at the airport rather than our having to go through the hassle of catching two trains and doing a tiresome journey after 19 hours of travel on a plane. Usually we wouldn't do this. What we'd do is hope that someone would offer to pick us up and if they didn't we'd go by train. My husband wasn't too sure about making such a direct request given that his brothers work and it would be a three hour journey for them just to get to the airport. He didn't want to put them on the spot. I thought I could do it nicely enough not to cause offence. And so I said quite directly that we'd like someone to meet us at the airport if it was possible. Much to our joy all 3 brothers volunteered to do it! And so we got off a weary flight at Heathrow, London to find one of his wonderful brothers waiting in a car. About an hour later we pulled into a cafe for breakfast to hear that bombs had just gone off on the London underground and at King's Cross. It didn't take long for us to calculate that had we not been picked up we'd have been on that tube line or at King's Cross at that time. There could have been no greater proof for me that sometimes it is actually safer to assert yourself than to stay quiet. So how can you be assertive and say what you need while still respecting the needs of others - and without seeming too bossy or aggressive? Read on to the tips section for some answers.
2. Latest news: Lots of new free tips.
While I was away I had lots of new experiences, insights into myself and observations of others. As a consequence I've written up a whole new batch of free tips to put on the website and Gen is busy typing them up as I write. Thanks Gen! So if you'd like to keep an eye open on the tips page you can expect topics as diverse as "How to respond to sarcasm", "How to cater for Vegetarians", "How to talk to someone who's blind", and "Ten tips on team work." We'll feature them each fortnight in the newsletter as well to alert you to each one as they are added. The first one on vegetarians is on there already, click here to read it now.
3. Top tips on speaking out for what you need.
Tip A. Know what you need.
This may seem obvious or silly ... but the first stage in being assertive and saying what you need is to actually know what it is you need. If you aren't clear on that other people will find it hard to work it out for you. This means you will need to be willing to make a decision - do I want to go out to the movies or go to the beach? Do I want to be on the committee? Do I want to reduce my workload? Decide first and be clear. Some people prefer others to make decisions for them. Then they can always blame the other person if it turns out badly. This doesn't help you to become more assertive or to get your needs met. So have the courage and make a decision.
Tip B. Treat others with respect.
A major difference between being assertive and being aggressive is that when you are assertive you respect yourself and respect others. In other words, if I am wanting to state what I'd like to happen or need, I do it in a way that is still considerate of the other person without undermining myself. The aggressive way would be to put yourself first and to ignore other people's needs.
Tip C. Don't expect everyone to agree with you.
There is a difference between stating your needs and getting them met. You do not control other people or their responses. Therefore you can only be responsible for your part of the interaction. Sometimes you might state your need and the person does not wish to comply, or the other person disagrees with you, or ignores your request. This does not mean that you were wrong to speak out. You can still do your part and say what you need, e.g. "I need a hug" or "I'd like to go to the movies" or "I need to leave work early today". Just don't expect everyone to meet or agree with your needs!
Tip D. Accept the consequences.
Not everyone will like you stating your needs or speaking out. That's to be expected. But don't let this constantly stop you from speaking out. Just be prepared for some people to rubbish you, or for some people to take it the wrong way. It's bound to happen sometimes. And rather than dreading the worst and therefore always staying quiet, still be willing to speak out and to enjoy the benefits of doing so when it goes well. (Of course sometimes it is best not to speak out and you need to be able to pick these situations.) In the "Assertiveness Upgrade" course on Thursday, 22 September 2005, we will go into many of the reasons people hold back on speaking out and ways to overcome them. Click here to book in.
Tip E. Say it kindly.
There is no need, unless you are in danger, being used or under attack to be curt or sharp or blunt with people. Speak your needs with kindness. For example, "I've heard there's a funny movie on at the Octagon and I'd like to go to it on Friday night. I'd love you to come with me, if you'd like to see it! Would you like to?"
Tip F. Reassure the other person that saying "No" is fine.
Reassure other people that saying "no" to your need or request is fine, and let them know that you simply wanted to mention it, in case it was possible. So it might go something like this, "I know that you all work and it's a heck of a trip to Heathrow ... so please feel able to say no to our suggestion, we won't be offended."
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Other free newsletters:
There are now over 165 newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language, midlife and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
NEW! Vegetarians: How to cater for vegetarians - the ten tips, by Rachel Green.
5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt out of it".
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Send us your feeling stories, and if they're included in the feeling dictionary we are writing, you'll get a free copy.
Today's word is out of it.
I was in a group of people all having lunch together. During the conversation someone mentioned a Mrs Piper that she used to know when she was a child. The other 3 people in the group all knew Mrs Piper. I didn't. The other people had all grown up in the same town together and I hadn't. I'd grown up in a completely different part of the country. As the conversation went on it moved from Mrs Piper, who sounded quite a character, to her next door neighbour and then to the physics teacher at school and then to the guy they went to school with who was now in gaol for a violent bashing ... and on it went. I became quieter and quieter as the memories poured out of them. Memories that I could not possibly have any part of. Until finally I wondered why I was there at all. I felt very uncomfortable and "out of it".
The strength of the emotion:
This is an alienating emotion. It's medium strength, not as strong as ostracised and stronger than uninvolved.
Associated emotions:
Excluded, sidelined, unwanted, forgotten, uninvolved, ignored, irrelevant, lost, kept out, shut out, left out, passed over, forgotten, on the outer.
6. Laugh your socks off.
I hope this joke doesn't offend. Don't read it if you don't like risqué jokes, but I found it very funny.
God
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you be able to have the courage to speak out - it may save your life.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
 | Manipulative mothers-in-laws
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| Working in a team.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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