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Four easy ways to develop your emotional intelligence (EI)

27-May-2008, Number 220

Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
To subscribe or unsubscribe please go to the website or click here.

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In this edition:

1. Welcome and background news.
   
2. Top tips on ways to develop your emotional intelligence.
3. Further tips on increasing your EI / EQ.
4. Special offer: F.R.E.E. CD set, "Happy not hassled", buy one get one free.
5. Laugh your socks off.
   

1. Welcome.

Welcome to this fortnight's Confidence 4 U. It's great to have so many new subscribers, including all of you from the Bunbury area in Western Australia; and those of you in the Netherlands, USA, India, Canada, Australia, UK and South Africa. It's wonderful to have you with us. Please feel able to tell your friends about the magazine.

We all have emotions. Every human feels whether it's sadness, loneliness, happiness, resentment, frustration, anger, contentment or complacency.

We also all have varying levels of emotional intelligence; in other words we vary in how skilled we are in our awareness, expression and management of such emotions in ourselves and others.

Why does our emotional intelligence matter? Because emotions influence how we behave. If you don't believe me, next time you're driving, watch how you respond when someone cuts in front of you. Do you swear, honk your horn, put your finger out of the window, give a friendly wave to the driver or smile and say "a pleasure, anytime"?

As you watch how you respond, notice what the emotion is that drives your response. There will be one. You may feel indignant, (how dare you drive in front of me like that); angry, (stupid idiot, you could have killed us both); scared, (we'll crash); content, (happy to share this space with you); resentful, (I'm trying to get to work on time) ... and so on.

Emotions do matter. And so does emotional intelligence. It can make the difference between your success and failure in relationships; it can affect your ability to cope with changes in your life; and to how well you succeed at work. So how can you boost your emotional intelligence? Read on to the tips section to find out.

The winner this fortnight of a F.R.E.E. E-book from our range is <Rogers49> in Australia. If this is you, please contact us no later than 31st May 2008 to collect your prize:

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2. THE TOP TIPS: How to develop your emotional intelligence.

Tip 1: Have a comprehensive emotional vocabulary.

I was running a workshop the other day and gave a business group a list of emotions that I thought would support the values they'd wanted to promote in their workplace. The values included concepts such as trust and openness, for example. A further list was given which showed emotions that may diminish the chance of the values being met. As the group were reading the emotions one of them came across the words "sad" and "unhappy" and said, "Aren't these the same thing?" "No," I said, "they may be related, but there are many ways to be unhappy. You may feel disappointed, let down, chastised, ignored, depleted, at a loss, down, gloomy ... or any of 100, 200 or 300 other versions of unhappy." This person would benefit from an increased vocabulary of emotions.

The more comprehensive your vocabulary is the more chance you have of accurately identifying how you feel. Develop a comprehensive emotional vocabulary. Have competitions with your friends, children, or grandchildren to see who can list the most emotions.

Tip 2. Know how you are feeling now.

Many people rush through their day oblivious to how they are feeling. If you do this, it could be dangerous if your feelings influence your behaviour. For example, you may feel hurt and not realise it and make a snide comment about someone because of it. This person may then feel belittled and thus a negativity develops between you. All this may have been prevented had you known much earlier that you felt hurt and dealt with it intelligently.

Develop a habit of checking in with yourself regularly, every hour or half-hour to find out how you are feeling. Don't leave it until it's too late. Know how you are feeling now.

Tip 3. Don't let your emotions dictate your behaviour.

When you let your emotions dictate your decisions, you are making emotional decisions not emotionally intelligent ones. What do I mean by an emotional decision? Let's go back to the example of the car cutting in front of you. If you get angry and yell, gesture or beep your horn, this is an emotional response. The anger leads to dangerous behaviour and a potential road rage incidence is in the making.

Instead, if when you notice you are angry you say to yourself, "I'm angry but it's more important that I stay safe" and you thus decide the safest option is to ease off your speed, you are acting in a more emotionally intelligent way. The emotions are not dictating your only course of action.

Always have options in the way you behave whatever you are feeling. For example, if you are feeling angry, you might yell at someone or yell at a brick wall when no-one is around. Both acknowledge the emotion, and both express the emotion, but the wall option may save your relationships and be more intelligent. Do you choose emotionally intelligent options?

Tip 4. Manage each emotion - the best emotion for each situation.

The idea of "managing" your emotions is not the same as "controlling" your emotions. "Controlling" them is often associated with repression, denial or hiding them. For example, you feel angry but you "grin and bear it". This isn't what I mean by managing them.

There are two factors to managing your emotions. The first is in managing the emotions you feel in the first place, for example, managing yourself well so that anger or frustration seldom arise.

The second factor is being able to shift from one emotion to another as you need to. Thus, if you wake up in the morning feeling crabby and resentful for having been woken during the night by the neighbour's dog, can you notice you are resentful, express it safely, then develop another emotion which is more helpful, such as a feeling of contentment, calm or enthusiasm as you meet the team at work? This is a high level of emotional skill. Highly emotionally intelligent people can do this. They can manage their emotions, and turn them into the best emotion for the situation. How intelligent are you in managing your emotions?

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3. Further tips on increasing your EI.

Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.

Click on the links to read three of the newest ones:

1. How to develop compassion to yourself.
   

2. Ten tips on giving emotionally intelligent customer service.
   

3. Sarcasm: Ten tips on how to deal with sarcasm.
   

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4. How you can manage your emotions even better.

Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions and find contentment.

Wish that your emotions were easier to manage? Like to reduce certain emotions such as frustration, stress or worry? This 2CD set will help you learn how to calm your emotions and manage feelings such as anxiety, anger, frustration and irritation. In addition, when you can learn how to calm your mind with these 4 easy-to-do meditations it will help you reduce the chance of anger, irritation and resentment arising in the first place. Get these 2 CDs and get rid of irritations now. I talk you through each meditation and draw on personal experience as I explain how you can get the best value out of them to manage your emotions.

I have personally used all the meditations on the CDs to help me stay calm in a variety of situations and to overcome panic attacks; and I practise them regularly. AU$45.00 with no extra for postage, world-wide. Order now!

Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday, 31st May 2008, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.

To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday, 31st May 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.

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5. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to Angelee Deodhar, our of our readers in India, for this fortnight's funnies.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational.
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing ONLY ONE letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

1. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
   

2. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   

3. Bozone (n.): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   

4. Cashtration (n.): the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
   

5. Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
   

6. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
   

7. Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
   

8. Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
   

9. Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
   

10. Karmageddon: it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
    

11. Decafalon (n.): the gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    

12. Glibido: all talk and no action.
    

13. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    

16. Caterpallor (n.): the colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
    

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an a.s.s hole.
    

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

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May you manage your emotions and be happy.

With kindness,
Rachel.

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Further information for you

Learn in your own time.

There are nine CD sets, a printed book and 6 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "CONFIDENCE for women at work," and the 3rd edition of the E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.

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Please note, material in this newsletter is copyrighted and remains the intellectual property of RachelGreen.Com Pty Ltd.

Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, managing people, communication, work skills or emotions. Thank you.