Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Welcome and background news.
- Top tips on watching out for people who might cause you difficulty at work.
- More tips on how to manage difficult people.
- Special offer: F.R.E.E. CD set, "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset": Buy one, get one F.R.E.E.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Welcome.
I was on a trip in the South West recently when a woman came up to me, nearly in tears, telling me how she was worn down from working with someone who was nasty to her. Does the workplace seem to be getting more toxic or is it just that we speak out more against difficult people now? Anyway, it got me thinking about the negative things people do at work and the signs you need to look out for, so you can protect yourself against them. Read on to the tips section to discover some of the political and personal strategies people might use to undermine or intimidate you.
Welcome to all our 131 new readers from around the world, including this fortnight from the USA, Bangladesh, Singapore, Peru, Nigeria, Kenya, Australia, South Africa, Canada and the UK. Please tell your friends and colleagues about the newsletter as this is how we reach the most people.
The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, is jae.c.rhee from Australia. If this is you, please contact us to claim your prize by Saturday 25th October 2008:
2. The TOP TIPS: What to look out for in people who might cause you problems at work.
Tip 1: Watch out for people who play on your guilt.
There are people who try to gain their way through manipulation. A key way people manipulate others is by playing on their feelings and doing what they can to make someone feel guilty. They may simply imply you are bad, or insensitive, uncaring, or selfish. For example, they may say, "That seems rather selfish of you after all I have done for you," or "Don't you worry about me, I'll be alright, you go home early, I'll stay back late", or "You, of all people, I thought would have known how to handle that better." Ouch! Many of us would get at least a twinge of guilt about such hurtful comments.
Possible Solution 1: Have antennae that are on the look out for people who are manipulating you.
Possible Solution 2: Don't get sucked in. Simply label it for what it is: "manipulation".
Possible Solution 3: If you feel guilty, ask yourself "Am I doing something wrong?" If the answer is "no", then don't give into the guilt. Know guilt is simply a feeling, it doesn't have to dictate what you do.
Tip 2. Watch out for people who "divide and conquer".
If you've ever sat in a group discussion or meeting where the group has disagreed with someone's idea or proposal, watch out for what happens next. Some people who have their ideas rejected will leave a group discussion and then individually contact each person involved. They will try to persuade each person to change his or her mind, and thus "divide and conquer". People can end up agreeing to something that they didn't really want to agree to.
Possible Solution 1: Request that they bring up the issues at the next meeting.
Possible Solution 2: Bring their strategy into the open. Question them, e.g. "Why are you now phoning me when this has already been decided? Who else are you calling?"
Possible Solution 3: State that, "The decision has already been taken by the group on this". Keep repeating this so you don't get drawn into a persuasive debate. However, if you do stand your ground be prepared for the next meeting in case you are the only person who did, and other people then try to make you look silly or isolate you.
Tip 3. Watch out for people who exclude you.
Bullying and intimidation is not just about yelling or ignoring you, it can also be the withholding of resources or information that are rightfully yours and that you require to do the job well. For instance, be watchful for people not inviting you to events, meetings and discussions.
This happened to an academic I know of. Submissions for grant applications had been called for but she was deliberately not told about them until one hour beforehand. With only an hour to draw up and present her submission she had no chance of being successful. The person who withheld the information however, had plenty of time to prepare, did an excellent job and got the grant.
Possible Solution 1: If you find out you have been excluded from an invitation, ask if you can go along anyway, and sound enthusiastic. Some people cave in when a clear request is made of them. If need be explain why it would be an advantage to have you there.
Possible Solution 2: Put in a formal complaint or talk to your boss.
Possible Solution 3: Don't trust silence and don't wait to be informed. Ask questions to find out what is happening and build up a strong network of people who keep you in touch.
Tip 4. Watch out for "back stabbers" who talk about you behind your back.
It is very hard to defend yourself against attacks when they happen "behind your back" and you aren't even there! So watch out for signs that it may be occurring.
Back stabbers can try and get other people on their side against you. To know if this is happening watch out for people being unpleasant to you or unco-operative in a discussion, or meeting, for instance. Then observe them to see if they communicate non-verbally with anyone else, e.g. slight head nodding, eye rolling, raising an eye brow or a quick grimace whilst making eye contact. Their shared looks may imply "See what I mean", hopeless isn't she?" or "There she goes again" or "Did you notice how she picked on me?" It's the non-verbals you need to look for.
Possible Solution 1: There is no easy solution I know of. Knowing that it is happening is the first step. Be watchful for non-verbals.
Possible Solution 2: Stay respectful to them so you give them no ammunition to fire back at you. Do not go down to their level. They may get bored over time. You always have the option to ignore it all.
Possible Solution 3: Talk to them and see if you can find out what is going on for them and how you can help. This isn't always easy as they may not be honest and may be pleasant to your face. You may instead choose to talk to the other people receiving the non-verbal signals. Also, seek support if you need it, from colleagues, counsellors and managers/executives/bosses.
Tip 5. Keep your cool whatever happens.
These four examples are only a very limited sample of the enormous range of behaviours people may use against you in the workplace. There's no one solution to manage any of them. In the end the only person you can truly manage is yourself. Manage your reaction so you stay cool and kind, without getting upset.
Also, remember that people who are negative to others are often very critical of themselves, or feel insecure, vulnerable or threatened. They may be hurting or unhappy. When you focus on their feelings, you might find it easier to look after your own.
3. More tips on how to manage difficult people.
Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.
There are several sets on dealing with difficult people for you to read. Click on the links to read three of them:
- Ten tips on how not to take things to heart.
- Ten tips on coping with people who go silent.
- Five ways to stop yourself being upset.
4. More ways on how to deal with difficult people with getting upset.
"How to deal with difficult people WITHOUT GETTING UPSET.
Can angry outbursts, complaints, tragedies, put-downs, criticism, or snide comments hurt you or make you angry, withdrawn or irritated? If so, take heart! These 2 CDs will give you more practical and successful strategies for staying in control, overcoming negativity and not taking things personally. At times hilarious, at other times serious, but at all times inspirational.
Let things wash over you like water off a duck's back. Ditch irritation. Stay calm. Stay cool. Manage difficult people more easily.
Click here for more details.
Click here to order.
Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday, 25th October 2008, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday, 25th October 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader, Angelee Deodhar, in India for this fortnight's funny.
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you stay healthy and happy, no matter what the people are like at work. We can all do our bit to develop a positive work culture by staying caring and kind.
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
Learn in your own time.
There are eight CD sets, a printed book and 5 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "CONFIDENCE for women at work," and the very popular E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, marriage, presentations, managing people, work, health, communication or emotions. Thank you.
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