Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:
- Welcome and news on a public workshop and speech on confidence.
- Top tips on how not to get upset by your family, friends and staff this Christmas.
- More tips on keeping your stress levels low this Christmas.
- Special offer: F.R.E.E. CD set, "How to deal with difficult people and not get upset": Buy one get one F.R.E.E.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Welcome.
Christmas is a time when families, relatives, friends, neighbours, bosses, staff and clients all meet for social activities. It is a time that we are "meant" to be happy, generous, loving, kind and content. However, my experience when I was working on a crisis line told me that Christmas is indeed a point of high stress and conflict for many people.
The demands of organising large social functions, of spending time with people you may not like or even know well, of managing the financial stress, of drinking and eating too much, and of trying to meet the social stereotypes of family happiness and client camaraderie can all be too much.
One of our USA readers, Sally, wrote to me for advice last week. She has been getting stressed by her relatives and especially her sister-in-law. She has kindly agreed to let me use her examples in the newsletter, to show you how to avoid getting upset by what people say and do. I'm sure many of you have similar examples of your own.
Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how not to get upset with your relatives or staff this Christmas.
Welcome to all our new readers from around the world, including this fortnight 73 new readers from Ecuador, Philippines, France, India, Belgium, Australia and the USA.
The winner this fortnight, of a f.r.e.e. E-book from our range, is chrism from Australia. If this is you, please contact us to claim your prize by Saturday, 6th December 2008:
Rare opportunity for people in Western Australia to attend a public speech and workshop to build your confidence:
I am presenting an evening speech and a full day workshop on Boosting your SELF-CONFIDENCE and Self-esteem FOR WOMEN as part of UWA's Summer School programme, in Perth Western Australia: Friday January 30th 2009, 7pm - 9pm; and Saturday 31st January 2009, 10am - 4pm.
Bring a group along as five people can book in for the price of 4. Great Xmas present! Bookings: (+61 8) 6488 2433 or or enrol online.
2. The TOP TIPS: How not to get upset by your family and staff this Christmas.
Tip 1: Ignore the things they say and don't hook in.
Instead of getting upset, hurt or irritated by your relatives let their comments and behaviours wash over you. Ignore what they say and do, and stay peaceful and calm. Don't let them under your skin.
Let's consider what Sally said as an example. "I planned and sent out invites for a dressy Christmas dinner at my home and my sister-in-law purposely showed up in jeans and an old t-shirt. She looked very drab. When I pulled her aside, I asked her to please go put on one of our nice sweaters or something out of my closet. When I did this she purposely went and said in front of the guests, 'I'm not dressed up enough so I'll leave'."
Oh dear! Was this a passive aggressive response from the sister-in-law to get victim sympathy? It doesn't matter. This is an ideal time to think, "Who cares what she wears" and to ignore what was happening. Sally only made herself stressed by hooking into what her sister-in-law wore. It is better not to hook into what she does, then her actions have no power over anyone.
The comment could also have been ignored. When she said "I'm not dressed up enough so, I'll leave," Sally could have said, "Okay then, thanks for popping by," and left it at that!
She would then be taking the remark at face value and not feeding the comments with further emotions. If Sally had responded negatively, she risked escalating the conflict and giving her sister-in-law more reason to be snide and nasty. Don't give such people any cause for complaint. If you do, you are walking right into their trap!
Tip 2. Think of kind reasons why they may be as they are.
It is very easy to presume that you know why someone says or does what they do. However, you may well be wrong. You may take something personally that isn't anything to do with you at all. For example, I notice Sally says her sister-in-law "purposely" dressed in drab clothes. We don't know this for sure. She may have forgotten what was said on the invitation, she may have never read the details, or she may have had all her clothes stolen the night before! We don't really know what was going on.
Instead of deciding the person is nasty and being deliberately so, think of kind reasons why she may do what she does. For example, she could feel threatened, insecure or even be jealous of Sally, after all Sally has her brother's attention now. She could even be lonely. She may have relied on her brother for affection, praise and friendship and feel she has lost it. She may feel she can't ever look as nice as Sally, or that she is overweight, poor or dumb in comparison. Who knows!
By thinking of kind reasons why she is the way she is, you will not get as upset.
Tip 3. Accept generational and family differences in communication.
There are many differences in the way that different generations communicate. Whether you have Gen Y teenagers, Gen X young adults, Baby Boomers or Vets, they all have different needs, expectations and communication styles. No generation is right or wrong - we are just different.
Sally's sister-in-law, for example, may have been brought up to be passive aggressive rather than to speak her mind. Some women, certainly of my mother's generation, were and some families still use this as a dominant communication style.
One family may communicate very differently from another. Neither family is right or wrong, they are just different. One culture may be brought up differently in the way they talk. Again, neither culture is correct - just different.
At Christmas if we can tolerate our differences, we will not get crushed or upset by them.
Tip 4. Respond simply and literally to what is said - don't read more things in.
If you want an easy way to respond to comments you perceive as negative, don't read anything in and answer literally with words such as, "yes", "no" or "good".
For example, Sally said, "My sister-in-law manipulates her children and tries to manipulate mine against me. She's very sly. She says things like: 'You know what? I see myself as the cool aunt that all the kids come to with all their problems'." This presently upsets Sally.
My suggestion to Sally was to answer this quite simply, without being affected by it. For example, she might say, "It is good for the kids to have someone to talk to." That's all. Say no more. Move on to the next subject. Don't dwell on it. Don't read anything in to it. Just make a literal remark in response.
Here is another example, that Sally gave. Sally had been given a new diamond ring from her husband and showed it to her sister-in-law who said, "That's OK, I have diamonds in my heart."
Instead of Sally seething and feeling upset, my suggestion to her was, again, to answer this literally, without being hurt or snide. For example, she might simply say, "Yes me too ....". That's all. Stop there. The end. Make nothing of it. Just make a literal remark in response.
Examples like Sally's are bound to surface in homes across the world this Christmas. If they happen in your home, just let them pass on by and you stay happy and content.
3. More tips to help you keep your stress levels low this Christmas.
Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.
There are several sets for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the newest ones:
- Sarcasm: Ten tips on how to deal with sarcasm.
- Ten tips on "How Not to Take Things to Heart".
- Visiting elderly parents or relatives: 10 tips.
4. More ways to deal with difficult people.
"How to deal with difficult people WITHOUT GETTING UPSET
Ever got upset, defensive or angry at people because they are being negative, unpleasant or difficult? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to keep your cool and to stay calm irrespective of how people are so that you do not become stressed, pick up their negativity or say the wrong thing? This dynamic 2 CD set, How To Deal With Difficult People Without Getting Upset will show you how.
How To Deal With Difficult People Without Getting Upset gives you the inside tips on managing negativity so that you don't feel hurt, angry or negative in response. Act without reacting! Don't give people the pleasure of getting to you, needling you or upsetting you. It is no good knowing all the good things to say if you've got irritated and angry as this will interfere with your thinking. Instead let How To Deal With Difficult People Without Getting Upset teach you how to keep your cool.
Click here for more details.
Click here to order.
Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday, 6th December 2008, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday, 6th December 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader John Ingram, from Western Australia, for this fortnight's joke.
2008's First Christmas Joke.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
Be kind to yourself, your family, colleagues and clients this Christmas and you'll be happier.
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
Learn in your own time.
There are eight CD sets, a printed book and 5 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "CONFIDENCE for women at work," and the very popular E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Please note, material in this newsletter is copyrighted and remains the intellectual property of RachelGreen.Com Pty Ltd.
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, marriage, managing people, work, communication or emotions. Thank you.
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