Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Welcome and background news.
- Top tips on how to deal with passive aggressiveness.
- More tips on managing passive aggressive people.
- Special offer: F.R.E.E. CD set, "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset": Buy one get one F.R.E.E.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Welcome.
Have you ever noticed that difficult people can really get under your skin and irritate you? Then when you try to analyse exactly what happened you have trouble putting your finger on it. After a while you go over in your mind what was said and there was something sly about the way it was delivered, or you're sure something negative has been implied but it's not been directly spoken. This is the communication of passive aggression. There is implied negativity and innuendo that hurts, but can be denied by the person communicating it. And this can leave people feeling helpless unless they know what to do next.
Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how to respond to people who communicate like this.
Welcome to all our 115 new readers from around the world, including this fortnight from Brazil, South Africa, Zimbabwe, China, Australia and the USA.
The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, is gmpatullo. If this is you, please contact us to claim your prize by Saturday, 14th February 2009:
2. The TOP TIPS: How to deal with passive aggressiveness.
Tip 1: Monitor what is happening.
Passive aggressive communication can be very subtle. A person may imply something negative about you but not state it openly. They may suggest something to you which indicates there's a problem with you but they haven't exactly said so. They may ask you questions or make comments such as "I don't know how long you've worked here but I've been here 14 years". They haven't said that their experience is better than yours, but if you're relatively new to a job and someone says that to you, I can imagine it could stop you in your tracks.
The important first step then is to KNOW IT IS HAPPENING. Recognise passive aggressive communication for what it is. Go "Ah, there's one of those kind comments" or "Here we go, I can recognise what that is!"
Tip 2. DO NOT be hurt by them.
The passive aggressive communicator can like to hurt people. They may themselves be feeling hurt, vulnerable and powerless. They may also lack the skills to be open and honest and express their concerns and pain to another person. Instead they can send "barbs" or "put-downs" in subtle ways that they can deny when challenged. It is really important therefore that you DO NOT TAKE SUCH UNSKILLED COMMENTS TO HEART.
Instead think of yourself as wearing a rubber vest. When these barbs or bullets come towards you they can bounce right back off you and onto the lap of the person who sent them.
You're unaffected and you don't hand your power over to someone else.
Tip 3. Know it's about them.
When people make complaints about others, it may be nothing to do with the person they're complaining about. It's more often to do with the people doing the complaining.
Recently for instance, in a meeting, I was saying that it had been hard for me to take a break from a job I had been doing because of a number of problems that had arisen. I was quite relaxed and happy and wasn't complaining. It was a sharing of factual information to a new colleague. A senior person at the meeting said, "It's important to take holidays otherwise you lose perspective."
At the time I smiled and brushed it off, but unfortunately I let it slip inside me. As I was mulling over it, I was very certain it was an implied criticism of me suggesting that I'd lost perspective. This upset me initially, as while we did not agree on many things, I had not lost my perspective, Fortunately, I got myself back on track. I realised this could have easily described her. She'd had no holiday all year so maybe she was really talking about herself. It's all about them. When I remembered this I switched my focus, any hurt I could have felt went, and I placed understanding on my companion. And all without getting further irritated or upset. Nice!
Tip 4. Pleasantly stand your ground.
Come up with a great answer that makes light of the comments so the sting from them evaporates. Alternatively, just make affirming responses, which state your own value or worth. In this way you educate the other people that they cannot get to you, undermine you or control you. You are in fact YOUR OWN PERSON.
For example, with the "lose perspective" comment, I could have said "It's been a hard year for you hasn't it, not having a holiday?". Touché! Mustn't be said with sarcasm though. I'm not wanting you to be bitchy!
As another example, if your mother-in-law makes a comment about how noisy your children are, know it's about her and simply affirm yourself or the kids. "Yes, it's wonderful they feel relaxed enough to let off steam" or "It's the great food I feed them, they are so healthy and energetic, wonderful, isn't it?" or "Yes, I'm rapt, beats having sick kids any day."
3. More tips on managing not to get upset with passive aggressive people.
Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.
There are several sets on managing difficult people for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the newest ones:
- Sarcasm: Ten tips on how to deal with sarcasm.
- Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people.
- Ten tips for coping with people who go silent.
4. More ways to deal with difficult people.
"How to deal with difficult people without getting upset.
"How to deal with difficult people without getting upset" CD set gives you the inside tips on managing negativity so that you don't feel hurt, angry or negative in response. Act without reacting! Don't give people the pleasure of getting to you, needling you or upsetting you. It is no good knowing all the good things to say if you've got irritated and angry as this will interfere with your thinking. Instead, let "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset" teach you how to keep your cool.
Click here for more details.
Click here to order.
Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday, 14th February 2009, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday, 14th February 2009. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader Shaun Peter Kelly from the UK for this fortnight's topical joke.
What are banks for?
(First published in the British magazine "Finance" on April 3, 2000 but VERY Pertinent to what's happening today!)
Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.
Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.
Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.
Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.
Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.
Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.
Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.
Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.
Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.
Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.
Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been loaned to them by customers.
Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really loaned to the banks.
Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.
Q: But you said that money they loaned to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.
Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.
Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but ...
Q : Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically ...
Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts?
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.
Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.
Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.
Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that ...
Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.
Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.
Q: Gasping of me, 'Rather'?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.
Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.
Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.
Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.
Q: But suppose they've already loaned it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.
Q: But suppose he wants his too ... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.
Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.
Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
YOU GOT IT!
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
Don't let other people get you down. When someone has their own problems they can try dumping them on other people. This doesn't mean you have to pick up the manure!
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, presentations, managing people, interpersonal skills, work, health, communication or emotions. Thank you.
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