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Why conflict avoidance is bad for you.

26-May-2009, Number 239

This magazine keeps you up-to-date with the best in public speaking, communication, confidence and emotional intelligence. In this edition you'll find practical, easy-to-follow information to help you understand why avoiding conflict may harm you. You are welcome to forward this newsletter to your colleagues, family and friends.

Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:

1. The background on why conflict avoidance is bad for you, plus news.
   
2. Three key reasons why avoiding conflict can be bad for you.
3. More tips on managing the emotions of conflict.
4. Special offer: F.R.E.E. DVD when you purchase the CD set, "Happy not Hassled".
5. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Background.

If I had received $5.00 for every time I've heard,"But I don't like conflict", I'd be a rich woman! Conflict avoidance seems to be very prevalent. However, conflict avoidance isn't necessarily good for you. Nor does conflict avoidance always give you what you want. In fact it may give you the opposite.

Why is conflict avoidance bad for you? Read on to the tips section to find out how avoiding conflict can harm your relationships, your health and your happiness. You'll also find three avoidance of conflict examples.

In future newsletters we will consider conflict avoidance management and how to handle conflict situations.

Our News.

I am continually fascinated to find out where our newsletter readers live. We now have readers in Kiribati. Not sure where Kiribati is? Here is part of the "Lonely Planet Guide" description ... "Curving its way above and below the equator ... Measured by land size Kiribati is a tiny nation of just over 810 sq km, but its 33 atolls span 3.5 million sq km of the Pacific. Most atolls surround turquoise lagoons and barely rise above the surrounding ocean, so it's rare to be out of the sight and sound of the sea." Sounds beautiful. Greetings to you Rine, and all your colleagues there.

Welcome new readers.

Welcome to you if you are one of our 27 new readers from around the world, this fortnight. We have new readers in Australia, Thailand, Kenya, Spain and Canada.

Competition winner.

The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, is Leah.Adams, from Australia. If this is you, please contact us to claim your E-book prize by Saturday 30th May 2009:

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2. Three key reasons why avoiding conflict can be bad for you.

Tip 1: Avoiding conflict can build dread.

Avoiding conflict means that sometimes all you are doing is putting off the inevitable. One problem with this is that the longer you put it off the more anxious you may feel about the whole situation.

The longer this goes on the worse you feel about having to confront the issue. In the end this can build up so much that you actually live in fear and dread of managing the conflict at all. This is not healthy. It also crushes self-confidence.

In contrast, had you looked at ways to resolve the conflict, almost immediately, you may have saved yourself long stretches, days, weeks or months even, of worry and anxiety. Sometimes, by dealing with the conflict, relief follows quickly and emotional well-being is restored.

Avoidance of conflict, example 1:
I was working with a man recently who kept putting off a performance review with a member of his staff. The manager had bad news to give because the company wasn't happy with his staff member's performance. However, he hated conflict and wanted to avoid it for as long as possible.

Instead of getting it over and done with he sweated on it. He had sleepless nights over it. He went over and over it in his mind, replaying all the bad things that would arise because of it. By the time I saw him he was quite a mess.

The employee meanwhile was going about his work with no idea his performance review was generating such anxiety. By putting it off his manager was just creating and prolonging his own agony.

It would have been better to have faced the inevitable as soon as possible. After our session he did and he said the relief was immeasurable.

Tip 2. The problem continues.

When you avoid conflict the conflict doesn't necessarily go away. I know you probably hope it does, but in most cases it doesn't. Instead what happens is the problem continues, possibly for a long time. This can therefore make your life a misery. Conflict avoidance can become a health hazard as it can wear away at your energy, leave you with long-lasting frustration and cause ongoing stress, which itself causes problems.

Avoidance of conflict, example 2:
A woman I know has been having problems in her relationship for years. She has been unhappy for years. When I ask her why she doesn't talk to her husband about the issues she has with him, she says, "I don't like conflict."

Yet she has conflict. Not liking it doesn't mean it isn't there. It is. She suffers from frequent and bad headaches, and now she has been diagnosed with high blood pressure. And still she hasn't sorted through the issues. Is it really worth dying an early death just to avoid conflict?

One reason she avoids conflict is because she imagines only dreadful things happening if she speaks up. Instead, she may find that the air is cleared and she and her husband move toward a more mature and better life together. Or it may end up in separation, but at least she would no longer live with the stress hanging over her every waking moment. Conflict avoidance does not bring happiness.

Tip 3. The problem gets worse.

Sometimes we get frustrated or upset by quite small things. However, when we leave them unresolved, the small issue can grow. The small issue can grow so much that it becomes bigger than it really is, so much so we can lose perspective.

By not managing conflict or not working to resolve the conflict, we can become consumed by it. Indeed, we can become consumed by something that is really quite trivial. It can mean we don't think as clearly, that we get distracted more easily and that we lose sleep over something minor. Why bother?

Avoidance of conflict, example 3:
Another man, I know, an employee of a large corporation, goes silent when he has minor frustrations in his job. He has decided it isn't worth mentioning anything as no-one will listen anyway. "What's the point of complaining?", he says.

I understand if he doesn't complain because he doesn't want to rock the boat or cause a fuss, or because he thinks there is no point. However, this is only useful if, having decided to do nothing, he lets it go. But he doesn't. He festers on it. He stews on it. He keeps it all to himself.

For example, his boss wrote him an email that he considered rude. He went over and over the email in his mind. He built stories about what was meant and why it had been sent. He had discussions in his head where he told his boss what he thought of him. He built up his boss to be a mean, nasty character. He wasn't. It was in his mind.

In the end, by not working to resolve the conflict, he came to dislike his boss and carried resentment towards him. All because of a few, poorly chosen words in a rushed email.

Warning, avoiding conflict can be a health hazard!

Why do so many of us dislike conflict? This will be the subject of a future newsletter. Then we will look at ways of managing the emotions of conflict and how to resolve conflict harmoniously. Stay tuned for the next installment!

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3. More tips on managing the emotions of conflict.

Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.

There are several sets on personal development for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the newest ones:

1. Ten tips for coping with people who go silent.
   
2. Manipulative mothers-in-law. Ten tips on how to relate to them.
   
3. Ten tips on "How Not to Take Things to Heart".
   

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4. More ways to stay calm during times of conflict.

"Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions and find contentment"

Conflict involves emotions. Often it is our emotions that put us off facing conflict. By managing our emotions, and relaxing around them, it can be much easier to handle conflict with confidence.

How much better would you feel if your mind was relaxed when you had to approach someone about a conflict. It can help also if your anxiety is reduced and you feel calm.

This is what can be achieved by doing the gentle meditations and applying the ideas you'll hear on these 2 CDs. Become calm, manage your emotions and face conflict more easily. Feel good, now.

PLUS, as a special BONUS. when you buy the CDs no later than Saturday, 30th May 2009 you will receive F.R.E.E. a one hour, full colour DVD of a live public talk I gave on: "How to use meditation to manage anxiety and pain". NEW!

Click here for more details.
Click here to order.

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5. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader, Angelee Deodhar, in India, for this fortnight's joke.

"Logistics and Organisation".
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organisation", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Later on the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."


If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

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Conflict can be very unpleasant. May you find the courage to work through the conflicts in your life and come out on the other side happier.

If you and your staff find conflict difficult, I now have a NEW workshop, "Managing the emotions of conflict". If you are in Western Australia and would like this conducted with your staff, please contact me,

Be your best,

With kindness,
Rachel.

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Further information for you

Learn in your own time.

There are eight CD sets, a printed book and 5 Electronic books to help you, including the 3 CD sets on "CONFIDENCE for women," and the very popular E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.

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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, conflicts, managing people, interpersonal skills, work, health, communication or emotions. Thank you.

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