This magazine keeps you up-to-date with the best in good communication skills, emotional intelligence and personality types. In this edition you'll find practical, easy-to-follow tips to help you cope with put downs and insults. You are welcome to forward this newsletter to your colleagues, family and friends.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:
- Enter a competition on put downs on our NEW WEBSITE ON SELF-CONFIDENCE and next live Webinar.
- The top tips: 5 ways to cope with put downs and insults.
- More tips on how to cope with put downs.
- Special offer: F.R.E.E. CD set, "How to deal with difficult people WITHOUT GETTING UPSET": Buy one get one F.R.E.E. Only available until Wednesday, 11th November 2009.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Background.
Put downs are a part of human life. When I was growing up my dad used to tease me a lot. Part of his reasoning for this, on reflection, was because he saw me as being too sensitive to people's insults and put downs and he wanted to toughen me up. He saw this as a way of my being able to protect myself.
However, as an adult I have realised that my sensitivity is my strength and that I don't need to toughen up. Instead, what I need to do is to be able to separate my emotions from those of other people and to deflect put downs so they don't hurt me.
This means that if people are in a negative mood I do not get dragged down with them. Now, ironically (and possibly with thanks to my father!) I am skilled at letting put downs wash over me and I also teach many others to do the same.
How to defend against put downs? How can you let other people's put downs and insults leave you unaffected? How can you cope with put downs without getting upset? Read on to the tips section to find out.
Your life at work and home will be far pleasanter if you can let such comments and put downs go.
NEWS.
Have you visited our new Confident Woman website yet? Confident Woman Australia is Australia's only national organisation devoted exclusively to the self-confidence and self-esteem of Australian women across the life span. All women and men are welcome to join us: http://www.confident-woman.com.au
We are running a competition at present on put downs. The person who contributes the best response to the put down under "Sharon's story" will win a f.r.e.e. Confident Woman T-shirt.
NEXT LIVE WEBINAR.
Following the success of our first live webinar, bookings for the second one are now open.
Webinar Two: "How to make interesting conversations and have plenty of topics to talk about". A perfect topic for all your Christmas functions - know how to be interesting, have no more awkward silences and know what to talk about.
Thursday 10th December 2009, 10am -11am (time as in Perth Western Australian). Please allow for time differences. You may join in from anywhere in the world as long as you have a computer and an internet connection (preferably broadband).
We are keeping the webinars at a low cost for this year, so get in now while they are only $25. (When else can you have an hr with Rachel for only $25!!)
Bookings: http://rachelgreen.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?bookings
Welcome new readers.
Welcome to you if you are one of our new readers from around the world, this fortnight. We have new readers in Australia, USA, UK, Nepal, New Zealand, Kenya, and more.
Competition winner.
The winner this fortnight, of a f.r.e.e. E-book from our range, is Sheila Mackridge from the UK. If this is you, please contact us to claim your E-book prize by 12th November 2009:
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2. The TOP TIPS: 5 ways to cope with put downs and insults.
Tip 1: Know it's about them and not about you.
I've been working with the staff on an IT help desk this week. They want to provide excellent customer service but their customers keep being irate, demanding, and expecting everything to be fixed yesterday without regard for the workload of the people in IT. The consequence of all this is that the IT people get defensive. In other words they let the other people's put downs and negativity get to them.
One way to avoid doing this is to remind yourself that put downs and insults are about the other person, they are not about you. The other person is distressed and has had a disruption in their day and needs to take it out on someone or something. You happen to be the lucky person! It wouldn't have mattered who had picked up the phone or walked into their offices, a robot could have been on the help desk and it would have had put downs and complaints too!
It's not about you. Remember this when put downs are coming your way and it will help you avoid getting defensive.
Tip 2. Think of a funny comment to defuse the situation.
This tip is about staying light hearted in times of put downs and negativity, so that you can defuse a situation with humour. I know that not everyone finds this easy and you may have to think quickly. I also know you have to pick your timing and person carefully. You also must genuinely be laughing and not doing it with resentment or bitterness!
Having said all this, making a funny comment back to put downs has saved me in so many situations. When people say put downs that they hope will upset you and they expect you to retaliate, and all they get is someone laughing, it can be a magical way of retaining your integrity and leaving them with nowhere to go. Sweet!
I always remember an example of a put down that a female lawyer got from a male colleague one day. He was very disparaging about the women meeting together and said to her when she was on her way to an important meeting,"Off to the knitting club, are you?"
Here are some of the possible responses:
"I wish I was but I have to go to the executive board meeting instead."
"Yes, watch out for the needles,"or
"Yes I made $500 from the jumper I knitted for our client last week."
All said with a big grin!
They may not sound funny on paper but they are all far better than giving him a lecture on equality in the workplace, or tearing a strip off him for insulting your work or worse still, retaliating by your own put downs, so he leaves saying, "What a bitch".
A funny response stops you from getting upset and leaves the other person with a clear message that such stupid remarks do not affect you.
Tip 3. Pause.
Pausing is so important. It is when we pause that we can monitor what is happening inside us. Are we about to snap back? Are we getting upset? Or are we about to defend ourselves?
Pausing not only allows us to increase our awareness of our reactions to put downs but it also gives us time to choose the best responses. Many of us respond with a knee jerk reaction. There is no evidence that knee jerk reactions are the best responses to put downs. Often they are the unhelpful ones.
Pause, think and respond wisely.
Tip 4. Feel sorry for the other person.
There was some interesting research reported in "New Scientist" this week (24th October 2009) that said "Take solace in research showing that leaders who feel incompetent lash out to temper their own inferiority".
In order to stop yourself from getting upset, feel sorry for the person's insecurities. Look at him or her and think "Gosh, this is what happens when people are insecure. Poor love, it must be hard!".
If you are feeling sorry for a person, you have taken the focus away from yourself and the put downs and on to the other person. You are therefore going to be able to respond with far greater calm and understanding and avoid getting upset.
Feel sorry for the other person and keep your cool and put downs won't hurt.
Tip 5. Understand why the person is behaving like this.
Feelings drive behaviour.
I'm an emotional intelligence coach and I seem to be saying this over and over again. We've come from a past where everyone only focused on behaviour and responded to behaviour and tried to change behaviour.
Fortunately, we have now moved on to understand that behaviour does not happen in isolation of emotions. Rather, emotions can drive behaviour. This applies to put downs.
The value of knowing this is that when someone says a put down or something snide, negative or stupid, you can keep yourself emotionally safe by taking a step back and considering how they must be feeling.
Insults and put downs may be because the person is feeling hurt or threatened.
Angry comments may be because a person is feeling powerless and anxious. Powerlessness is a very common feeling behind customer complaints.
It's a feeling of powerlessness or helplessness that drives people to spend time and money arguing over $1.34. It's not the tiny amount of money that they think they've been overcharged that matters, it's the feelings that are driving the complaint.
Distress is also a common emotion behind complaints, put downs and demands especially on the IT help desk. They're dealing with customers whose computers have stopped working, whose data has been lost and who have become distressed.
They are distressed because they had an important deadline to meet and they are anxious they will fail to meet it. They are anxious because their bosses may find out and there will be negative consequences. They are scared because of what may happen next.
When people are being negative, nasty or trading put downs I think about how they are feeling. Then I deal with them kindly and with compassion. This feels so good!
Don't pick up their meanness. Just respond without it even touching you. Leave it all with them. When you do this conflicts won't escalate so easily or so quickly and put downs won't matter.
By the way, this applies to those of you in customer service and when you are dealing with nasty neighbours, tense teenagers, mean mothers or difficult daughters-in-law!
If you are in customer service my passion is helping you to keep your cool so you can deal with your customers in the best way possible. There's a seminar we run for staff so you can do this superbly. "How to keep your cool."
3. More tips on how to cope with put downs.
We have an abundant supply of f.r.e.e. tips are on our page of personal development tips and articles.
There are several sets on coping with put downs and difficult people for you to read. Click on the links to read three of them:
- Ten tips on giving emotionally intelligent customer service.
- Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people.
- Ten tips on coping with difficult people.
4. More ways to cope with put downs, insults and negativity.
"How to deal with difficult people WITHOUT GETTING UPSET."
If angry outbursts, complaints, tragedies, put downs, criticism, or snide comments hurt you or make you angry, withdrawn or irritated, take heart! These 2 CDs will give you practical and successful strategies for staying in control, overcoming negativity and not taking things personally. Let things wash over you like water off a duck's back. Ditch irritation. Stay calm. Manage difficult people and put downs more easily.
All the strategies on these CDs I have personally used successfully with put downs, difficult people and in negative situations. They work! I know!
Click here for more details.
Click here to order.
PLUS, as a special BONUS if you buy the CDs no later than Wednesday, 11th November 2009, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Do not miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Wednesday 11th November 2009. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to John Ingram for this fortnight's joke.
Hospital regulations.
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to:
May you be free of upsets and enjoy your life no matter what the people around you are like.
With kindness, until next fortnight
Rachel.
Further information for you
Learn in your own time.
There are eight CD sets, a printed book and seven Electronic books to help you, including the 3 CD sets on "Confidence for women," and the NEW E-book "Overcome your fear of public speaking - forever." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, presentations, managing people, interpersonal skills, work, health or communication. Thank you.
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