COMMUNICATE

Getting on top of conversations

31-May-2000, Number 44

Being able to chat comfortably with people is a fundamental skill essential for doing business, building personal relationships with friends and family, and feeling socially competent and confident. So here are some tips for brilliant conversations ...

Example One - Conversations while selling

I was recently in a clothes shop looking at a bright turquoise jumper, one of my favourite colours. A shop assistant came up to me and declared, "This is such a wonderful colour, only the other day I was talking to Susie, the other lady in the shop, about how this must be the only colour which will suit everybody, whether they are blond, or brunette it looks fabulous on them, people with black hair look good in it too, so do those with red hair ... and it can even look nice on those people (her tone of voice changed to indicate those "poor people") who are grey."

What would your reaction have been? What did she expect me to say in response? It was an attempt at conversation which I think failed. She needed to consider the effect of her conversation on others. I certainly didn't want to join in the conversation, nor did she sell me the jumper. After all, I knew it was a wonderful colour that's why I was looking at it. How do you think the conversation could have been improved and what can we learn from this?

Tip One - Monitor

Monitor the person you are talking to for signs of disinterest and adjust what you say and the amount you say accordingly. This woman just went into "talking to no-one mode" and I copped it.

Tip Two - Involve the other person

Consider what the person you are talking to can say in response. Ask questions of the people you are talking to so that they are involved in the conversation (rather than you talking at them) and find out their opinion. Indeed if you do this early on before spouting your opinion it may give you the chance to temper what you say if you're at complete loggerheads. I don't believe conversation is there to force your opinion on other people. Conversation, particularly in a social situation, is there for sharing ideas, to build relationships, and to get to know other people.

Tip Three - Tailor your conversation

If you're trying to involve people in conversation (especially when trying to sell them something as well) make your conversation specific to them. Was there any likely hood I could care about brunettes or blonds when I had silver streaked hair? It was highly unlikely. She would have been far more likely to engage my interest if she'd discussed how good this jumper would have looked on me.

Example Two - Conversations at a party

I was at a party. The person next to me said, "Gee those sausage rolls are nice."

What was I supposed to say next... "Yes they are?" Consider the effect of what you're saying on others. What a dull conversation. How could this be improved?

Tip Four - Ask questions

Ask questions as well as making statements. For example, if this person had said after her statement, "What do you think the ingredients are?" we would have had a better chance of getting involved in conversation.

Tip Five - Ask open-ended questions

Ask open-ended questions rather than closed ones. One of the biggest factors contributing to conversations which go nowhere are dead-ended questions, i.e. those questions which require only a single word response, e.g. nice sausages aren't they = yes/no. Open-ended questions in contrast leave more opportunities for an expanded answer. For example, "What are your favourite foods?" "How does your new job compare with your last one?" "What kinds of things do you like to do in your spare time?" All these questions give you more chance of opening up conversation than a closed one.

Most people are not even aware that they are asking dead-ended questions, nor how often they are doing this. They're often surprised in our "Having Something To Say" course when they become aware of how often they use them.

There are some other newsletters on the website providing other conversation tips, e.g. Sunday afternoon conversations - gone wrong! here

Example Three - Conversations with strangers

I was out with friends on a walk. Two of our friends had brought two other people with them. We were all enjoying the views, the exercise and the friendship. Someone made a comment that I was wearing a sweater, "Aren't you hot Rachel?", she said. "No I'm just right thank you." Someone else joined in, "But surely you must be sweating in there after that hill we've climbed?" I said, "I'm fine thanks". Then the visitors joined in, "What's wrong with you? You must have really bad circulation."

Such negative comments about a person do little if anything to build conversation. What was I left with to say? It is totally unnecessary in a conversation, especially with people you don't know and even those you do, to comment negatively on personal aspects of the person's attire, personality or health. After all, I'm sure this lady wouldn't have thought it appropriate if I'd have said, "Well if you weren't so fat maybe you wouldn't sweat so much!"

Consider the effect your conversation has on others. Consider what options of response you leave them with. Was I expected to defend myself? Argue? Agree or what? There weren't many worthwhile options presented. What would your reactions have been?

Tip Six - Stay positive

Keep away from personal comments, particularly ones which are negative. If you must make personal comments keep them positive and general, e.g. "You're looking lovely", "I'm impressed with the way you climbed that hill so easily, what do you do to keep fit?"

Tip Seven - Follow their lead

Wait for people to disclose information about themselves rather than you probing. For example, had I said, "It's nice to feel warm after climbing that hill - I've been cold all morning", you might say, "How come you were so cold?" and I'd have felt fine to tell you all about it.

Tip Eight - Talk about yourself as well as asking questions

Make statements about yourself rather than the other person. For example, "I'm so hot after climbing that hill, I think I'd better do more exercise to get fit. What kinds of things do you do to keep fit?" Or instead of saying to someone who's just had his/her hair cut, "You've had your hair cut", say "I like your new hair style."

Be a winner at dinner: How to chat and network with confidence and skill.
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Example Four - Conversations with family

A man comes home from work and says to his son, "Did you have a good day at school?" The child grunts a monosyllabic response and there the conversations ends. What could he have said differently to enjoy a lengthier or more in-depth conversation?

Tip Nine - Ask unpredictable and interesting questions

Find interesting questions to ask the people you live with and find interesting topics to talk to them about. It is so easy to fall into a set of predictable routine questions such as, "How was your day?" or "Did you have a good day?" Consider the effect of your conversation on others.

How about something different, e.g.
"What were the best bits of your day?"
"How does your teacher compare with ________?"
"What kinds of things would you rather have done during the day?"
"What kinds of things did you think about today?"
"When you were six, what did you imagine you'd be doing when you grew up?"

The more we can ask a variety of questions the more chance we have of engaging in meaningful conversations with the people we see all the time. This can be a big boost for our relationships.

Here's to your brilliance as a conversationalist.

Rachel.